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The Crappiest Pilot Ever! (S1E01)
The Crappest Pilot Ever! (S1E01) This is the true story... of several dancers... picked to live in a house...work together and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real...The Real World: ABDC. Mario Lopez (holding a microphone): Hello everyone, this is Mario “No-One-Cares” Lopez, and I am standing in the unnecessarily overly-furnished mansion that will soon be the home to 2 aspiring, talented dance crews, soon to be joined by other crews... Ah…it seems that our crews are arriving now. First it looks like our crew, the Houston hitters, are here, SoReal Cru! (They all walk in, except for Andrew, who glides in) Andrew: Oh yeah, we're SoReal Cru. We're so real. The names Andrew, but everyone calls me Goodfoot. Ailyn: I thought it was only us who called you Goodfoot… Andrew: SHUT UP. Do NOT criticize me Ailyn! GOD, SO MANY HATERS. Ailyn: But (sniffle) I was (sniffle) just trying to be – WAHHHHHHHH (starts balling). Jackie: Sorry folks, we're actually decent, sensible people, and we extend our cordial greetings and regards to all of you. Mario Lopez: Looks like it's getting SoInteresting, heh, heh. Dom: He wasn't kidding when he said he wouldn't stop telling bad jokes… Mario Lopez: And Quest from the West (The rest of Quest file in) Lava: Hi. (walks past Mario) Bye. Brian Fucanan: (whispering while Mario interview Quest) My Brianbuyoiyoi senses are tingling. The Other Fucanan Brother: (whispering) What are you talking about? Brian: I sense that a vampire has walked in…no…two. Puspos: Oh, Brian, not this vampire nonsense again. We got kicked out of our studio because you accused the owner of being a vampire. Brian: No, come on Puspos, seriously, there's two standing right over there. I don't know who yet, but there are two of them. Puspos: Whatever you say, Brian. Jackie: Oh my God that Ryan is a hunk. The Other Fucanan brother: Uh, Jackie…I think there's something you need to hear about that… Jackie: What…? The Other Fucanan Brother: I think Ryan - - - Pat Lam: (elbows him) Ryan is definitely your type and you should go for him. Jackie: Yeah, I probably will. Pat Lam: (Evil grin) Mario Lopez: (to SoReal and Quest) Alright, well I don't want to hold you guys up, go ahead and get your rooms, settle in. Just remember…(creepy voice) WE'LL BE WATCHING. in the livingroom Mario Lopez: … and we have a bit of a surprise for you all. (Dramatic slow motion zoom in on all the crew's surprised faces) Mario Lopez: (dramatic pause) you may encounter a few newer dance crews in this very mansion! All the crews: OMGWTFBBQNOWEY! Mario Lopez: Yes, you'll get a chance to see how truly successful some of them have become. Like a certain someone... (Dumbo from Poreotix walks in) Dumbo: Hello, everybody. All the crews: OMGWTFDUMBO! Mario Lopez: Yes, Dumbo is here in this mansion, and he holds a very important position that reflects his true success after his crew's run on America's Best Dance Crew. (Drum roll) All the crews: (excited) =D !! Dumbo: I'm going to be the hat rack for the house! All the crews: (silence) >=l ? Puspos: Okay, I'll be the local ass hole and ask...WHY? Dumbo: Well, you all saw how much I love fedoras and umbrellas! I just can't contain it! And running my dance studio in a little town like Westminster is just holding me back! Hok: You mean the one in that lovely little strip mall? The one with the pizza shop with the absolutely scrumptious pizza? The one with the Dunkin Donuts with those amazing iced caramel lattes? The one that's across the street from the Quick Check, for all your quick needs? The one next to the Polish Deli, for amazing homemade kielbasa? The one down the street from the small-business liquor store, for all your cheap hammering needs? The one down the street from the middle school, with all those beautiful loving children? Ailyn: Oh, no, you're not creepy at all. Dumbo: …Uh. Okay. Well. I'll be pacin' around here if you have any fedora or umbrella needs! Andrew: What if we want help with our dancing? Dumbo: …What do I look like, the owner of a successful hip-hop studio in Orange County and one of the most respectable dancers on the West Coast? Ryan: …Uh. Yeah. Kinda. Actually. Sorta. Really. Dumbo: Touché… Touché. (slowly disappears) Mario Lopez: Heh, well, looks like he's a slippery one without any umbrellas. Ha, get it? It's funny because he'd be wet if he didn't have an umbrella and… (everyone walks away to their rooms) settling in, some members are hanging around in the kitchen Dom: I know, the rooms are really nice, and we each get our own. How's your room, Other Fucanan Brother? Other Fucanan Brother: …I have a name you know. Dom: Yeah I know. But it's not Brian. Other Fucanan Brother: … Ryan, can you get me something to drink? Ryan: Sure (opens the refrigerator)…WTF? (there is nothing in the refrigerator, but a JabbaWockee is sitting there with mittens, a parka, and earmuffs on) JabbaWockee: Jabba. Pat: Is-Is that a JabbaWockee? JabbaWockee: (nods) Jabba. Ryan: Why? JabbaWockee: Jabba. Ryan: Do you say anything other than "Jabba"? JabbaWockee: (shakes head) Jabba. Jabba. Pat Lam: Is there ANYTHING to drink or eat in the refrigerator? JabbaWockee: Jabba (nods) Ryan: …Where? JabbaWockee: (reaches into his parka and pulls out a can of soda) JabbaJabba JABBA. Ryan: Uh. Thank you? Pat: Can I have a quart of shrimp fried rice? JabbaWockee: Jabba (pulls out a quart of shrimp fried rice). Pat: Uh. Thank you. Um. Bye. (they shut the door) Dom: …So we have a Jabbafrigerator…? Other Fucanan Brother: I wonder if all the JabbaWockeeZ are here… Puspos (screaming from upstairs): WHY IS THERE A JABBAWOCKEE IN MY TOILET? Brian Fucanan is upstairs in his room Brian Fucanan: Alright, I'm all unpacked and my computer is up and running. We're all good. Brian, we're all good. Don't worry, we're all good. No one's going to die because of any ruthless bloodsuckers, it's okay. It's okay. You're okay. You're fine. You're just a little tired. Lava: (pops her head in) Uh, knock knock? Brian: Oh, hi! Lava: Yeah. I saw your door was open and I'm just going around trying to meet everyone in SoReal. Your name's…Brian Fucancan, right? Brian: Yeah (smiles) and you? Lava: Lavasaur. But everyone calls me Lava. Brian: Oh, heh, some people call me Buyoiyoi. Oh, uh, take a seat! Lava: Thanks! (they both sit down) Brian: Quest… right? Lava: Yup! Brian: (laughs) Oh that's - - - (stops) Lava: Something wrong? Brian: My Brianbuyoiyoi senses are tingling. Lava: Uh, I beg your pardon? Brian: It's this 17th sense I have that tells me when there is…you know…vampires around. Lava: (awkward) Vampires? Are you… kidding me? Brian: No, seriously, I know they're real. I'm gifted. I know. I KNOW. There's one close. And I think there's a second one somewhere. (sniffs around) Lava: Oh…any idea who this vampire might be? Brian: They’re in this building… That I can tell, doing WHO KNOWS WHAT. Lava: Heh, well, that's uh interesting. But if you'll excuse me, I have to go help out that Puspos dude. Apparently there's a JabbaWockee in his toilet or something? (gets up and starts walking out) Brian: BEWARE THE VAMPIRES! Lava: Uh. Yeah. I'll be careful. (Lava walks out of the room) Brian: I HAVE TO TALK TO MY WORLD OF WARCRAFT FRIENDS, MAYBE THEY CAN HELP! (rushes to the computer and puts on his headset) CODE RED! VAMPIRES! VAMPIRES! I'M NOT CRAZY! the room (Lava pulls out her cell phone and dials a number) Lava: Yeah… It's Lava. We have a small problem… on another floor, Ryan is lounging on a couch (Jackie walks in and sits next to him) Jackie: Hey there, Ryan. Ryan: Hi Jackie (waves) Jackie: Whatcha doing? Ryan: (shrugs) Not too much, as you can see, heh. Jackie: Ha, you're so funny. (awkward pause) Jackie: Okay, I'm going to cut right to the chase. Ryan… Ryan:…Yeah? Jackie: I have the biggest crush on you. Ryan: Uh, Jackie – Jackie: No, say nothing, RYAN, say nothing. Let our bodies do the talking. (leans towards him) Ryan: WHOAH, RED LIGHT, OFFSIDES (throws his hands up) Jackie: …Something wrong? Ryan: Uh. Well, I'm REALLY flattered. It's just that…you're really not my type Jackie. Jackie: What, because I'm too Filipino for you? Ryan: Oh, no no no, not at all. It's just that. Well, how do I put this. Quest guys made a pact not to get with a girl from another crew. Jackie: (sits up) …Oh. Ryan: Yeah, I'm sorry Jackie. Jackie: …Oh. Ryan: Yeah. And I mean - - - (awkward pause) Ryan: Uh. Nevermind. So. Awkward. Ha. (silence) Jackie: (gets up and walks away) (Dom walks by) Dom: REBOUND? Jackie: Don't even think about it. that night, everyone is hanging around in the main den room Puspos: Hey, hey let's play Never Have I Ever! Andrew: Alright, me first. Never have I ever had a wet dream about Dom. Lava and Jackie: (Takes a drink) Dom: =D Steve: (takes a drink) Dom: >=/ STEVE! and Hok are talking across the room Hok: So, what's your name? Ailyn: My names Ailyn, but some people call me Eye Candy. Hok: Oh, (flashy smile) I can see why. Ailyn: (giggles) Aw you're so cute. Hok: Not as cute as you, of course! Ailyn: You should come up to my room tonight and – (Feng comes up behind Hok) Feng: Excuse me, is Hok over here teasing you? Hok: Uh, what? Ailyn:…Teasing? Feng: Hokuto, shame on you! Pretending that you like girls and misleading this poor, innocent girl! Hok: What are you talking about? I like girls – Feng: Don't lie, Hok! Ugh, I'm sorry Ailyn. I'm going to go have a long talk with Mr. Hok, here, about misleading people for no reason…(starts dragging Hok away) Hok: (being dragged away) NO! NO! I LIKE GIRLS! I LIKE GIRLLLLLS! Ailyn: WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME? FIRST MY PARENTS AND NOW HOK? =( =( =( Dom (from across the room): Rebound? Ailyn: Rejected. and Victor are standing by the cooler Andrew: (glides up to them) What's going on, guys? Victor: …Do you glide everywhere? Andrew: Yeah. Walking is for squares. Victor: …I don't think me and you are going to get along very well. Andrew: Heh, whatever man (grabs an Apple Juice from the cooler and glides away) Victor: I bet he will never give himself any unnecessary solos. Pat: Yeah, I hear you man. Keep these unironic phrases going. and Jackie are chatting Ryan: So, you're from Philadelphia, originally? Jackie: Yes sir Ryan: What part? Jackie: Near the western half. Ryan: OH MY GOD! DO YOU KNOW WILL SMITH? YOU KNOW, THE FRESH PRINCE? CAUSE HE USED TO LIVE THERE BEFORE HE MOVED TO BEL-AIR! Jackie: (sighs) Yes. Yes, Ryan. Yes. He was my neighbor. Ryan: THAT'S SO AWESOME! Jackie: (facepalm) and Hirano are talking to Pat and The Other Fucanan Brother Other Fucanan Brother: So, why are you guys so into the Power Rangers? Hirano: Have you SEEN Kimberly the Pink Power Ranger? Oh my God I want to pilot her Zord… (Silence) Other Fucanan Brother: (walks away) Dom: Rebound? Other Fucanan Brother: No, Dom. Jackie is talking to Ailyn, looking at Victor from across the room Ailyn: He's so cute… Jackie: Shhh…he might hear us. Ailyn: No, don't worry, he has a hearing impairment. Jackie: I thought you said he was deaf. Ailyn: (sigh) Anyway. I think he's absolutely adorable. I'd so date him. Victor: (across the room) THANK YOU AILYN! I THINK YOU'RE CUTE TOO! Ailyn: (starts shaking Jackie) I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS DEAF! Steve: Nawh, girls… he’s a bboy… he just don’t LIKE to listen... the corner of the room Other Fucanan Brother: So what's our little problem, Lava Lava: Your brother... Other Fucanan Brother: Big Ears? Lava: Yeah, that one. He has this crazy little misconception that there are vampires in the house. Two of them. Other Fucanan Brother: Hm. Really. How have you been holding out? Lava: Well, I haven't drunk in a while. Other Fucanan Brother: Me either. It's going to be an issue soon. Lava: I know. But we're on lockdown. How are we going to do it? Other Fucanan Brother: Dumb question. More like, who's it going to be? Lava: Dom? Other Fucanan Brother: No, no. He looks like he cries a lot. His blood probably tastes watery. Lava: Good Point. Other Fucanan Brother: OMGWTFBBQIDK Lava: Hmm… Puspos?! Other Fucanan Brother: (shrugs) True. From what I can tell, Puspos has AB positive. Lava: AB POSITIVE? Other Fucanan Brother: Yes, I know, your favorite. Lava: Yes. That's it. Soon. Other Fucanan Brother: Right. Just don't blow our cover. Lava: Right. Other Fucanan Brother: Oh look, Brian the Vampire Slayer is looking at us. Lava: Alright. Break it up. I'll see you later. eventually heads up stairs. It's very late, around 2 A.M. but Puspos and Dom are chatting in the kitchen Dom: Yeah, I'm so ready to smash this competition. Puspos: We have to rep for the Bay Areas. Dom: What challenges do you think we're going to hurdle in our odyssey to be declared the top dancing troupe in the United States of America? (Hok walks in naked) Hok: Do we have any whipped cream? Dom: O_O Uh. (looks away) Try the Jabbafrigerator. Hok: (opens the fridge) Can I have two cans of whipped cream? JabbaWockee: Jabba (hands him two cans) Hok: (turns around to go back to his room) Puspos: (sighs) Dom: Hey, where's Lava? Hok's room (Lava is sitting there tied up) Lava: WHAT THE HELL, HOK, untie me! Hok: No, no it's not. Alright Lava (claps his hands together) we're going to play something called The Word Association Game. You're going to say something, and we're going to perform the actions to go along with that. Lava: Untie. Hok: (dry chuckle) What a kidder. I know, right? Here's a suggestion, maybe, hm, whipped cream? Lava: No. I won't do it. hok: Really, Lava, let's be honest, you're going to be doing it no matter what. Lava: (sighs) Whipped Cream. Hok: Mmmmm tonight is going to be a good night (he walk towards her shaking the whipped cream cans)